Breathe. But first, a rant.

Bitter rant, or Happy Valentine's Day From the Bitter Accidental Buddhist:

Everybody’s selfish. Yes, you too. We are all assholes. (I did say this was a bitter rant, so it's not like you weren't warned.)

Because we want to be happy, safe and warm. Well fed with a warm frothy cafe mexicano, perhaps. Peanut butter in the fridge. Safe from the jaws of allosauruses (allosaurii?). That happy, lazy, drifty-off-to-sleepness with that fine freshly fscked feeling. Being this kind of selfish is programmed into our genes; it’s what enabled us to crawl out of the ooze.

But we also have these amazingly unique capabilities to do things like transcend our genetic programming and do things like give and compromise and sacrifice for other things. Maybe for somebody else’s happiness.

The only it all works is through mutual decision. Hearts and flowers are great, ...and transitory. A decision is more likely to make you pay all the bills and put up with the whatever because, dammit, you SAID that You’d Do. You’ve got this damn wedding ring to prove it. (Or house or co-owned pet or whatever.)

Yeah, I know, Happy Valentine's Day. I'm such a squishy romantic; no man can resist me. No, I do not ask myself why I am single. I know. I really do. It's okay, really. Stop shaking your head. Thank you.

**********************

So of course I'm thinking like this cos I had the final discussion with the ex-date tonight. The initial trouble was that we do not communicate well. I decided that this is stupid and we're intelligent people, right? I mean, combined, we more than qualify for Mensa, so we should, you know, figure it out, right? But then, after I tried to be all fixy and conciliatory, he replied in kind all fixy and conciliatory, but he also told me he JUST got an email/confessional from his ex-girlfriend.





You know the rest. I mean, it's the same damn fscking story. I won't bore you with details because you know them already.

I mean, this is a person I'm talking about, who has many attractive qualities. He's nice to sick people and he keeps fish. I think he's a reasonably decent...mammal. He has never molested, nor considered molesting, any small children or ...sheep, for example. I think he has consistently paid taxes. I am not aware of him having any police record, for further example.

(Forgive me, I'm not feeling very high-mind-y right now.)

What I feel right now is that this is my stupid little life, between insignificant and more insignificant. Another damn day. Another damn rerun.

Age 36 with a wedding ring I haven't hocked yet.

There are moments, and I'm sure you've had these, too....where it is the most Sisyphean thing in the world to just. Inhale the next breath.

wow.

Damn, I throw good long-winded pity parties, don't I? I'm fine, just give me a week or so to quit being bummed out. It's not that big of a deal, I'm just. Throwin a pity party.